Q: Who does this law apply to?
A: Anyone daring to run for the House, Senate, Vice President, or President. Local PTA elections are safe (for now).
Q: What documents do I need to submit?
A: Everything. Original birth certificate, passport, driver’s license, census records, ancient utility bills, property taxes, dental x-rays, and proof you once rented a VHS from Blockbuster.
Q: Can I just submit certified copies?
A: No. Certified copies are for amateurs. Originals only. Preferably delivered by armored courier and notarized by a 3rd-grade teacher.
Q: Is there a drug test?
A: Randomized. Surprise. Frequent. We’ll find out what you ate at lunch and how you feel about it.
Q: What kind of monitoring happens if I’m elected?
A: Think 24/7 Truman Show. Your phone, bank, Netflix history, group chats, and even suspicious refrigerator magnet activity will be analyzed by a neutral offshore think tank housed in a submarine.
Q: What’s the “List of Shame”?
A: A searchable public index of anyone who fails compliance. It includes name, offenses, and the number of Nickelback songs in their Spotify playlist.
Q: What happens if I lie on my application?
A: Immediate disqualification, forfeiture of all assets, and mandatory enrollment in a seminar titled “So You Thought You Could Run?” hosted by retired DMV employees.
Q: Is there a physical challenge portion of this exam?
A: Yes. Candidates must endure 48 hours in a sensory deprivation tank, complete a trust fall with a raccoon, and recite the Constitution backwards.
Visit fcqoa.com to begin your journey into hyper-transparency.
Applications open 12 months before your dreams end.