April 03, 2025
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a bold move to restore trust in America’s highest offices, a bipartisan coalition in Congress has introduced the Federal Candidate Qualification and Oversight Act (FCQOA) — sweeping legislation aimed at holding aspiring Presidents, Vice Presidents, Senators, and House Representatives to “the absolute highest standards of transparency, accountability, and mildly dystopian oversight.”
Under the Act, a newly formed Federal Election Board (FEB) will be tasked with vetting all federal candidates using a series of stringent documentation, testing, and monitoring requirements. Officials say the goal is to ensure that “only the most thoroughly scrutinized Americans alive” are eligible to lead.
Key Provisions of the FCQOA Include:
Mandatory submission of an original birth certificate (certified copies are now considered “cute, but insufficient”).
Proof of identity via a valid U.S. passport and state-issued ID.
Submission of Federal Census records from at least three different decades.
15 years of tax returns, bank records, property tax receipts, and a signed affidavit from a local librarian attesting to the candidate’s moral compass.
Candidates will also be required to:
Undergo random drug and alcohol testing, with positive results publicly livestreamed.
Submit monthly financial disclosures, including Venmo histories, crypto holdings, and garage sale profits.
Consent to real-time digital monitoring, carried out by “an impartial third party from a neutral foreign nation with no known Wi-Fi infrastructure.”
Perhaps the most controversial requirement is the mandatory televised polygraph session, where candidates must answer public-submitted questions ranging from geopolitical strategy to “Do you actually like your spouse?”
“American voters deserve to know everything — and we mean everything — about the people asking for their vote,” said Rep. Louie Grandstand (I-NV), the bill’s lead sponsor. “We’ve let mediocrity slide for too long. From now on, we’re raising the bar so high most applicants will need a ladder just to humiliate themselves.”
The FCQOA also introduces a “List of Shame,” a federally maintained database of candidates who fail compliance, miss deadlines, or are caught enjoying a Nickelback song unironically. Offenders will be barred from public office and, in extreme cases, required to teach remedial civics to TikTok influencers.
The proposed legislation is expected to draw intense debate across party lines, civil liberties groups, and local karaoke leagues. A vote is scheduled once all current members of Congress retroactively submit to the requirements themselves—pending their approval of a six-year grace period and a 300% raise.
For more information or to download the 1,492-page application packet, visit fcqoa.com.