April 04, 2025
Major Updates Announced to the Federal Candidate Qualification and Oversight Authority Act (FCQOA)
Because Nothing Says 'Qualified to Govern' Like Three Decades of Utility Bills and a Background Check from a Shadow Council

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Federal Candidate Qualification and Oversight Authority (FCQOA) has released its updated legislative framework today, formally tightening the screws on anyone delusional enough to think public office should be “accessible.”

The revised version of the Act, hailed by compliance enthusiasts and feared by casual applicants, clarifies two major areas:

📌 Section 2 – Federal Election Board (FEB) Now Even Less Empowered
The newly detailed FEB will now include 6 House members, 6 Senators, and 6 Governors—split evenly by party to simulate fairness while ensuring gridlock. Importantly, the FEB now plays a strictly ceremonial role, only certifying candidates after the Oversight Committee (OC) has rendered its terrifying and final judgment.

Despite being tasked with establishing the OC’s structure, the FEB has no power to influence how the OC investigates, interrogates, or interprets “suspicious hobbies” like Nickelback fandom.

📌 Section 3.4 – Additional and Ongoing Obligations (Also Known as “The Fun Never Ends”)
Candidates who somehow survive the initial documentation marathon—birth certificates, passport, census records, financial proof, dental X-rays, etc.—will now be reminded that the real challenge begins after approval.

The new Section 3.4 warns applicants that they are not exempt from the “additional overbearing requirements” described in Section 5, such as monthly monitoring, mandatory transparency, and soul-level audits.

💼 Oversight Committee (OC): Still Watching You, Now With a Legal Seal
The OC, comprised of technocrats too competent for public-facing jobs, now officially controls every aspect of candidate evaluation, including post-certification surveillance, digital snooping, and judgment based on vibes. Once the OC gives a thumbs-up, the FEB must rubber-stamp the candidacy. No appeals. No backsies.

“We’re just trying to restore faith in government the only way we know how—by making it nearly impossible to join,” said an anonymous OC spokesperson from an undisclosed Faraday cage.

For the full updated Act and onboarding requirements (including the 47-step document checklist), visit www.fcqoa.gov/nightmare.