April 06, 2025
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a groundbreaking expansion of its already wildly intrusive framework, the Federal Candidate Qualification and Oversight Act (FCQOA) has been updated with new procedural steps for removing the President of the United States from office. Yes, the actual President. No, not hypothetically.
Under these newly ratified rules, if the Oversight Committee (OC) decides that the Commander-in-Chief has failed to meet the rigorous standards of transparency, security, or basic decency (or perhaps had one too many Signal chats going), the OC may unilaterally declare the President disqualified.
Upon this declaration, the President must immediately hand over all powers to the Vice President and assume what the FCQOA affectionately refers to as a “suspended reality” status, pending a decision from the Federal Election Board (FEB)—an impartial group of 30 political insiders who definitely won’t overthink things.
Key Highlights of the New Process Include:
120 hours to get their shit together and start meetings
48 hours of non-continuous deliberation (with snack breaks)
A vote requiring 100% unanimity to overturn the OC’s decision
If the vote fails? Goodbye, Mr. President. Don’t let the nuclear football hit you on the way out.
Should the vote fall short of perfection (which, let’s be honest, it will), the Vice President must be sworn in within 24 hours, regardless of holidays, solar flares, or Netflix premieres. Meanwhile, the former President will have exactly one hour to vacate the White House, during which time the Secret Service will gently guide them toward the exit—and possibly a rideshare app.
Oh, and in case you're wondering: once removed, the former President is banned from ever holding another state or federal office again. Permanently. Like, not even school board.
“This isn’t personal,” said an OC representative with two phones and zero chill. “It’s just what accountability looks like in the modern age.”
For the full procedural breakdown, visit fcqoa.com/theact.html.
For help packing up the Oval Office, we recommend bubble wrap and a good playlist.
FCQOA — Restoring faith in democracy, one brutal disqualification at a time.